Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Just When I Doubt..................
“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
― Rose Kennedy
WOW!!!!!
It sure has been a long time.....almost a year!!! Wow!! I tend to run from this blog because it is sometimes just too much fo face reality. Sometimes..... MOST times my fingers get ahead of my brain....or the other way around and the puncuation and spelling gets all jacked up! I am not one to go back over things again...and... again so I post it no mater how goofy it looks. The point of this post.... a few nights ago....well maybe a week ...Scotty and I were coming home and a song came on the radio...I looked at Scotty and said "This was one of Whitney's favorite songs"..... never thought much more of it....I miss my sister EVERYDAY!!! NEVER DOUBT THAT!! It's just some days come easier than others... Everyday there is a memoery of something we did,or said together....and a regret of something we will never get to see or do together..... She would be 4 months from 30 right now....I would be giving her HELL ..... Just like she did me.....but, She gets to be 27 forever... I'm selfish to want her here ....when i know she is where she is suppose to be.....but, still...WHY??!! OK.....OK....OK.... Last night we were on our way home and "Somehow" the Blood Drive for August came up,as did her Organ donation....I am not even kidding a little bit....like 30 seconds into the conversation.......yeah.......guess what comes on.... THAT SONG!!! So just when I doubt her spirit is not with me now... when I need her most....As ALWAYS, she proves me WRONG!!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Saturday, March 31, 2012
The Unknown Soldiers: By His Side
The Unknown Soldiers: By His Side: Image courtesy: Melissa Jarboe It's been almost a year since Army Sgt. Jamie Jarboe was shot by an enemy sniper in a tiny southern Afghanis...
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Here Comes Goodbye
Feeling so great...I could almost swear I was gone from this earth...gone from all the worries,the sadness...the PAIN...then out of the blue CRASH!! POW!! I am slapped dead in the face by the reality that my little sister is gone....As of today we are 7 days away from when she got her wings at 6:15 pm..on Feb. 28,2011...The hardest thing I have ever in my life been through was watching as they checked for vital signs,tested her for some response to the "test" as they called it...that they were doing to see if any brain activity at all was detected..there was none...
AS I sat there on her bed..holing her hand, begging her to come back to me...I felt a part of myself die with her...This was someone who had been a part of my everyday life for 27 years....27 short years...not enough time for me...She had left me all alone...thoughts just kept repeating...racing through my mind they wouldn't stop....I could not shut it off....no matter how hard I tried...My little sister was gone,and she was not coming back....at least not in this lifetime....
Whitney had deciced to donate her organs while she was alive...signing the papers when she turned 18..Just like me. She was able to give the gift of life to three people who without her selfless act may have left this world also...Her liver ,both kidneys,and her pancreas..and her HEART...that golden heart..that heart who would give her last of anything to anyone who ask for it...even if she really wanted it for herself..she would give it to you if you ask for it...that heart still beats today...even in death she gave to others...I think back on our childhood, things we did,places we wnt...the day she told me she was pregnant ....Now I cherish every single memory I have..I am also so very thankful that the last words we said to each other was I love you..Tuesday March 1 2011 I spent the day in bed beside my sister...telling her I loved her...holding her hand...yes she had already been pronounced dead, but she was on life support waiting for them to line up the people who would get her organs..I talked to her all day....and I know she heard every word I said...I held her hand and talked to her about our childhood...I cried,and cried..Wed. March 2, 2011 was the day her organ donation surgery was schedlued...I stayed right there holding her hand...not wanting to let go...afraid to let go...afraid of goodbye...I could not let go...finally the time came, I had no choice I had to let go so she could go and save the lives of 3 other souls on this earth so that theit families would not have to deal with, at least not right now, the unbearable pain I was in..Once she was taken form the room...we were given a second to hug,cry,and grieve in her room.....Then we had to leave...walking down the hall, I collapsed . Scotty caught me before I hit the floor and held me,let me scream,cry, yell...I could barley breathe...the next few days were a BLUR ...I know family came in, calles,visited,ask if they could do anything...I only know this because people have told me this is how it happened....It still does not seem real...the viewing, the funeral...all seem like a bad movie that you just cant stop watching...you keep rewinding it...it replays in your head daily...there is a huge hole in my heart...it will never heal...it DOES NOT get easier..if anything it gets harder...especially when i look at her son...who looks and acts just like her...I know they say time heals all wounds but this awful,terriblewound will never,ever heal...
AS I sat there on her bed..holing her hand, begging her to come back to me...I felt a part of myself die with her...This was someone who had been a part of my everyday life for 27 years....27 short years...not enough time for me...She had left me all alone...thoughts just kept repeating...racing through my mind they wouldn't stop....I could not shut it off....no matter how hard I tried...My little sister was gone,and she was not coming back....at least not in this lifetime....
Whitney had deciced to donate her organs while she was alive...signing the papers when she turned 18..Just like me. She was able to give the gift of life to three people who without her selfless act may have left this world also...Her liver ,both kidneys,and her pancreas..and her HEART...that golden heart..that heart who would give her last of anything to anyone who ask for it...even if she really wanted it for herself..she would give it to you if you ask for it...that heart still beats today...even in death she gave to others...I think back on our childhood, things we did,places we wnt...the day she told me she was pregnant ....Now I cherish every single memory I have..I am also so very thankful that the last words we said to each other was I love you..Tuesday March 1 2011 I spent the day in bed beside my sister...telling her I loved her...holding her hand...yes she had already been pronounced dead, but she was on life support waiting for them to line up the people who would get her organs..I talked to her all day....and I know she heard every word I said...I held her hand and talked to her about our childhood...I cried,and cried..Wed. March 2, 2011 was the day her organ donation surgery was schedlued...I stayed right there holding her hand...not wanting to let go...afraid to let go...afraid of goodbye...I could not let go...finally the time came, I had no choice I had to let go so she could go and save the lives of 3 other souls on this earth so that theit families would not have to deal with, at least not right now, the unbearable pain I was in..Once she was taken form the room...we were given a second to hug,cry,and grieve in her room.....Then we had to leave...walking down the hall, I collapsed . Scotty caught me before I hit the floor and held me,let me scream,cry, yell...I could barley breathe...the next few days were a BLUR ...I know family came in, calles,visited,ask if they could do anything...I only know this because people have told me this is how it happened....It still does not seem real...the viewing, the funeral...all seem like a bad movie that you just cant stop watching...you keep rewinding it...it replays in your head daily...there is a huge hole in my heart...it will never heal...it DOES NOT get easier..if anything it gets harder...especially when i look at her son...who looks and acts just like her...I know they say time heals all wounds but this awful,terriblewound will never,ever heal...
Friday, February 10, 2012
WELL HERE IT COMES....LIKE A TRAIN YOU SEE COMING BUT KNOW YOU CAN'T STOP
As I write these words....I am just 18 days away from the 1 year anniversary of my sisters untimley passing....i can't seem to do anything but cry...and think of all the things I REGRET.... the last CHRISTmas my sister was alive...she was living in HELL in Columbia...she was not allowed to have the gifts that my parents sent her, I didn't send anything...a regret I carry ...very heavy today...just a few day ago I could do nothing but cry,cry,cry...because all I could think was how if I knew it was her last CHRISTmas I would have given her ANYTHING she wanted...I would give ANYTHING to change that now...I KNOW she knew I loved her...but that does not ease my pain at all.....not one bit!!
"But When I get Where I'm Goin and iI See My Maker's Face I'llStand Froever In The Light Of His Amazing Grace"
All I can really do now..is make sure her son knows how much I LOVE him , and how much his momma loved him...how she fought to get him away from the HELL they were in....How she called me, and ask me to come "rescuse" her...how the morning I was coming she called me every 5 minutes...in ture Whitney form...to see where I was...Dear God...had I known then she only had 45 more days left on this earth I would have BEGGED her to stay with me....How can we anticipate whate God....or whoever is out there has instore for us around the next corner? Tell people you love them...or you don't ...no matter how you feel..let them know because in the blink of an eye they...or you...can be gone...and then it is ALL TOO LATE!!! THERE ARE NO SECOND CHANCES ...NONE AT ALL...JUST REGRET....AND IT WILL KILL YOU!!
"But When I get Where I'm Goin and iI See My Maker's Face I'llStand Froever In The Light Of His Amazing Grace"
All I can really do now..is make sure her son knows how much I LOVE him , and how much his momma loved him...how she fought to get him away from the HELL they were in....How she called me, and ask me to come "rescuse" her...how the morning I was coming she called me every 5 minutes...in ture Whitney form...to see where I was...Dear God...had I known then she only had 45 more days left on this earth I would have BEGGED her to stay with me....How can we anticipate whate God....or whoever is out there has instore for us around the next corner? Tell people you love them...or you don't ...no matter how you feel..let them know because in the blink of an eye they...or you...can be gone...and then it is ALL TOO LATE!!! THERE ARE NO SECOND CHANCES ...NONE AT ALL...JUST REGRET....AND IT WILL KILL YOU!!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
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