Ho-Hum holidays

Well here come the holidays.....Thanksgiving sucked terrible!!!  Mom had a cow because I wouldnt stick my nose up her butt...I knw it was her first Thanksgiving with my sistergone to Heaven....but she stuck her nose up Ashli's ass...something they've done alot here recently...Parker has stayed with Ashli several times,but still not here...I guess mom don't trust me with him,but whenshe needs a baby sitter it is all good,he can come on over really pisses me off I miss you. Whitney so so much ..I am really really tired of all my mother's DRAMA! everything is about her....I am sick of it...she is not the only one that lost someone...yea it was her child but it was my sister...I was with her for 27 years too...and when she needed someone she called ME not mom...I went to get her in that God awful HELL she was in...she didn't even want to see mom...she wanted....needed her big sister....well now her big sister needs her!

~U Find Out Who Ur Friends R~

Sometimes we are blessed with many friends, sometimes just a few... but If we all had just one friend...I would want mine to be Stephanie Miller..She is by far the very best friend anyone could ever want, or need.

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I lived across the street from her for over 3 years before we really became friends..but once we did...we became very close..very fast. Little did I know then that God was preparing me for a tragedy that without her to lean on..I never would have survived. She is someone I can call at 2 o'clock in the afternoon....or 2'oclock in the morning and she will come running to help me, or just to listen to me scream or cry.......

when I lost my little sister Whitney in Feb of 2011, Stephanie never left my side.. she was right there with me...at the hospital, before...during..and after the funeral.. I really believe this is why god put her in my life..He knew I would never make it through my sisters death without her... and It is true...I never woulda... In Oct of 2010 she moved from across the street from me...to Murfreesboro about 25 miles away...I thought my world was ending.. that she would be gone and we would drift apart...she promised mr nothing would change..and true to her word...a year later nothing has..if anything we are closer now than ever before..her husband even  has a nickname for us...

The Banger Sisters... we even had hats made...we have since shortened it to the B's ..We spend at least one day a week together.. it's not the same as when she lived right here and we were together everyday..but..it is not much different either... She is always,always here for me...and my son..who thinks of her as a second mother.. she is such a good , kind big hearted person. I am so very thankful for her...I only hope she knows how much she means to me.. I try my best to be there for her too...but I'm not sure I am as good at it as she is.. I had a health scare in 2009 and she was right there, never left my side....I have a issue with eating...I don't do it....lol.. but she tries her best to MAKE me when we r together.. see a few years ago I weighed over 150 pounds, and I felt awful about myself... Now... after my Seizure and Epilepsy diagnosis in 2009 I am down to 105 and am so scared of ever being heavy again...150 does not sound like alot, but on a 5'3" gal..it is alot.. Steph tries to make sure I eat ALOT when I am with her...lol..she will drive way out of her way to get me something I "want" .. We went to a UT game for my 33rd bday...my first UT game since 1994... it was so much fun..She is the ONLY person I can spend hours with,not say a  word...and we both know what the other is feeling...and it's not weird just hangin out without talkin.. I have even brought her outta her shell =0) we have been up on the bar at Coyote Ugly...someting I never thought I'd see her do...

We went back for my 33rd birthday a month ago...and had a blast again..we have so much fun together....

When we are at her house....we spend our time with Jose in the hottub...just hangin out..while our "men" watch movies and fall asleep

and yes...we did finish this whole bottle in one night....Just the two of us...our sissy men...drink Budlight we are real women...we don't play around when it comes to drinkin

we kinda forgot to mix it with the Margarita mix though....and ended up drinkin straight Jose..one think I can say..If you are ever blessed enough to have a BEST FRIEND like mine...love em and cherish em and THANK GOD for em....I love ya B!!

Over You

You Think you have some kind of hold on me...I am here to tell you just how wrong you really are.....

Plenty of times I have cried myself to sleep because of a fight we have had....I have let you talk to me like crap, treat me like garbage that you toss out on the street... You have caused me more heartache than anyone deserves...WHY?? because you are a JACKASS ... If someone had told me...almost 13 years ago when we met...and "fell in love" that I would be sitting here regreting ever speaking to you..ready to run as far away from you as I can .I would have told them they were crazy...told them they didn't know you like I do... but as it turns out...there was a reason that..at 30 years old..you had only had two relationships and in both the girl left you.. Now I know why... you are the most moody person i have ever met.. you flip the script every few minutes.. one second you love me... then you can't stand me and want this relationship over...well I got a NEWS FLASH for you... now,I want it over!! I am done being your doormat... you can't love someone one second and hate them the next...you can't expect to cuss me like a person you hate one minute...then 5 minutes later try to get all yp on me and act like it never happened... I'm done with being made to feel worthless, and unloved...I deserve better~~~
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~ Trying to forget being hurt by someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met ~

you have pushed me too far this time..past the point of return...I am tired of being the scapegoat for all your problems...I am ready now...it is time to move on...

I dreamed I went to Heaven

When we lose someone we love,
We learn to trust somehow
That a new life in a brighter place
Is just beginning now..
A place of grace and peace and joy
Beyond all time and sorrow,
Where loving hearts who part today
Will meet again tomorrow

6/21/2011 I fell asleep ast night after a couple bad bad days I guess I needed  more acceptace...more tears In my dream Stephanie ,myself,and my cousin Ricky were at a diner....just eating...the clouds split and Jesus floated down Just like his word promises he will ...raised his arms and said come my chosen ones......bodies from everywhere began floating ..higher, and higher into the sky..Graves burst open....I began to rise ..slowly accending into the clouds...I was going to Heaven...next I remember a long line....miles of people looking for someone....I heard my mane....it was her voive, but how is thst possible she lost her speach...."Courtney...she said...."Courtney I want to see you....I've missed you..   I made my way through the crowd I got to her and she was so beautiful.. pure and perfect, her eyes beautiful and  brown no glasses needed,I broke down and said Whit, I am sorry I wasn't there for you everytime you needed me...she said you were..you rescued me from hell. when I was trapped in Columbia...being forced to stay somewhere I did not want to be...Stephaine and you came, and you brought me HOME..and  I love you and Justen....she said hug me its all gonna be alright...and  she said it's not gonna be long and we'll always be together.here in Heaven...God is almost ready to call everyone who has accepted him home to Heaven....I'm gonna hug you now Courtney...and I love you ...that hug was so real,so intense. I really thought I was in Heaven with my baby sister..I could feel her arms squeeze me, feel her breath on my neck..smell her Sweet Pea perfume....that dream will carry me til my next encounter with my baby sis..and I know that will be in Heaven and I pray it won't be long...she said I must go now. and you have to go back .it is not yet your time, you still have work to do...I begged her to let me stay with her...in Heaven where all my Grandparents, some cousins, aunts and uncles are already waiting...but it was not to be...she said  but sis it won't ne long and we'll all be together...and never have to say goodbye again....

I wanna thank GOD for that glorious closure I so badly needed......and I can feel her love right now....and I see so much of her in her Son...I long for the day we are face to face for real....and am in the presence of My Heavenly father...and I never, ever have to leave her again...til that day comes I will carry her in my heart

Still Don't Understand

It has been almost 8 months, and it seems like it was just yesterday. The pain is not getting better it seems to get worse by the day....I know we are not suppose to question god, or be Angry at him....but sometimes that is very,very HARD

On Friday Feb. 25 ,2011 my little sister was not feeling well...she went to the E.R. at Summit Hospital thinking she had the flu ... she was admitted with Pneumoina in her left lung. and low potassium.They started treating her with antibiotics..telling her, and my parents she would be released on Sunday...That was not to be...Saturday morning she had a stroke...still to this day the Dr.'s cannot explain this.....My mom called me, I will never forget I was at Thornton'sin Hermitage,Tn with Scotty getting gas...My mom told me "They think your sister has had a stroke,Please come to the Hospital" I rushed there..She was having a MRI...and true to form being herself had to be sedated...she never could sit still..After a few hours the Neurologist came in ...she had infact had a acute ischemic stroke..they told us she could be totally, or partially paralized...but at that time they expected her to recover. ...Sunday night she was doing better..she was up watching T.V. I told her before I left to come home for the night that I loved her..THANK GOD I told her...she said she loved me too We texted off and on all night Sunday...me telling her how much I loved her, how I wanted her to get better, so we could do things together..spend time doing more things..I wanted her to know how much I loved her..We last texted at 12:45 a.m. I told her I'd see her in a few hours expecting to be back at the hospital at 8am Monday when the CCU floor opened..I got a call around7:30 am from my mom Her brain was swelling, and she had a massive seizure...they were rushing her into emergency surgery for a craniotomy...this allows for removal of a portion of the skull to allow the brain room to swell.The surgery was a disaster, she for all real purpose died on the table..The piece of SHIT doctor.. Jack Kruse did not even have the decency, the compassion to come out and meet with the family..he called on the phone into the CCU waiting area and spoke with my motherON THE PHONE...his words to her??? "well I did all I could but the situation is pretty hopeless..and I'm not a betting man...but if i were, I'd tell you she is not going to make it"I was destroyed, this had to be a nightmare...but I could not wake up..Icould barley stand up, my knees buckled under my weight and Scotty and Stephanie had to hold me up.I called Stacey my neighbor...having lost her sister to a massive stroke 15 years ago, I needed to hear her voice...needed comfort from someone who had been in my shoes.It was at this time I noticed two missed txt messages...from my sister...they were from 6:25, and 6:28 AM Monday morning..one was just the letter A and her signature...the second was just her signature...even now 8 months later, I wonder...was she trying to tell me she needed help?? 4 hours after her surgery she was pronounced Brain dead...at 6:15pm Monday Feb. 28,2011 my little sister got her Angel wings.the next few minutes,hours ,days ..and weeks were, and still are a blur to me. We decided to donate her organs,so she had to be kept on "Life support" until wed. March 2nd  so the people getting her organs, and the 4 teams of doctorstransplanting them could be lined up...

My parents had to take care of legal issues Tuesday reguarding her 6 year old son..So tuesday I spent the day in bed with my little sister, who for all intents and purposes was already an Angel...only her boday reamined...because it still had work to do..I told her again how much I loved her, and would miss her..On Wed. March 3,2011 at 10:30 AM I let go of my sisters hand...said see you when I get there...and watched her be taken into a surgery room where she would save 3 lives...This will not however, be the last time I see her...for I know she is waiting for me...In a place far better than this earth